"Ivan, why are you so Insecure?"

Hi, good night and as always welcome to my blog. Today I will talk about a topic I've never answered or never talked about, why am I so insecure.

We could start answering this question by going back to my childhood. As a child I was the tallest kid, you could say one of the hairiest, and partially weird. People made fun of me, starting with my stepfather, he made fun of the size of my head, my face, and how lonely I was. That started my insecurity, seeing how someone close to me insulted me and made fun of me. People on my school also made fun of me, I was rejected and called names, here comes "big foot", or here comes "chewbacca". I was insulted and called names and that made me feel insecure, people rejected me and I felt like a had no true friends. Right around 8th grade, I had to leave my mom's house, and move to my father's, because of problems I had with my stepfather, he continued insulting me, through my childhood, but it got worse, he took into a habit to hit me, on 8th grade, I got tired of being bullied by him and I left. I was very sad at school, and my so called friends always talked about this subject in a jokingly manner, of course, what was I going to do, I faked being happy about this situation, but deep inside I was dying of anger and killing myself of what did I do to deserve this. Nobody helped me with this and I started absorbing all the pain and never letting it go.

After the series of events that I was having in my home, I started dealing with it on 9th grade, forgot about, didn't think of it, and kept it inside, I did not tell anyone how I was feeling, because I felt I had no friends, but fake friends and I was angry at the world, so I started faking confidence, and happiness. If you asked people, they would say I was a happy person and a confident person or still am, but its all a lie, I fake it, so I don't live in this bubble of problems, I just forget it and move on, holding it inside and inside, and this contributed even more to my insecurity. I didn't open to people, because I didn't know who was going to help and who was going to hurt me. So I didn't have many friends. In 10th grade is when my insecurity went from 100% to 175%. I was rejected by friends and by the people I liked, there was this problem with this one girl that I liked her and she liked me, I thought it all was going good, we were very good friends and I, maybe, wanted to go to the next step, I wrote her a letter, as an assignment of a class, a love letter, where I wrote all the thing I liked and loved about her, a very sweet letter, I put my heart into it, I showed my weakness, her, and she took advantage, after the letter she decided to not talk to me, I was left wondering "what did I do wrong?" I tried talking to her, but she just flat out ignored me, and I was left feeling like nothing, literally like nothing, my heart sank to the ground and there I was not trusting anyone else. Now on eleventh grade I have 5 best friends and another handful of friends, but I still have a great amount of insecurity, and in my mind I feel like I should not be with them too much, because I don't want to bother them or pull them away from me, because they are very important to me, and I don't want to lose them, and I feel like a obstruction in their life, I tell them that they can be fully honest with me, that when I am bothering them they can tell me, and this is a product of my insecurity. I also, don't like when I fall in love, don't get me wrong it is and amazing feeling, but me, Ivan Justiniano, Love is not for me, because I always end up getting hurt, sometimes I think there might be a connection, but there really isn't anything. I show my weakness and I continue to get hurt. Sometimes I try or make an effort with that person I like, but it never ends good for me. I haven't had a girlfriend, I haven't had a first kiss, most of the time I feel alone in this life and I ask myself, "does my life have a purpose?". I still don't now if people are there for me or if they are there to hurt me, and I close myself, because of my insecurity.

Don't get me wrong, there are people that are there for me, tell me nice things about me, excellent things, but I just cant believe it, yet, maybe this a product of my insecurity, maybe.

There you have it, the question everyone wanted to know about Ivan Justiniano, Why am I so insecure? because i feel like odds are never in my favor, but I will still continue fighting for what I want, when I can. Hope you all understood and please don't take pity of me, I don't like it.

As always I am Ivan Justiniano and I hope you learned something about me. Until next time, and good night !